My unfulfilled dream

August 26, 2009

3:30 in the morning and my mind won't allow me to sleep. We're wrestling, my thoughts and me. I'm trying desperately to pin just one thought to the ground into submission. No such luck. I'm losing the match.

We got an adoption packet in the mail last week. I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to give up on being pregnant myself. I quit taking my Cipro two days later - the medication that isn't safe to be pregnant on. On Monday I found myself gazing out the window remembering what it felt like to be pregnant. Not just the physical part of it, but the mental part. It was as if I could feel it all again. My mind was at peace when I was pregnant. It was this peace that I have never experienced before. Every fiber of my being was creating and I was left in a state of exhausted peace. And now I find myself at a point where I'm willing to do almost anything to create again.

But it's not just that either. We came so close. I saw how perfect all her little parts were - perfect! Perfect, but no life. Milk came out of my breasts, but no baby to release to. My whole being was stymied. Cut off in the middle of it's most perfect, amazing creation. And I'm just not ready to give up the hope of that happening again. Not yet anyway.

But even if I do okay off the Cipro, that doesn't make the decision easy. Pregnancy pushed me to the edge of death. Although the doctors have said that wouldn't happen again, the fear is deep. Deeper than most could imagine. They also wouldn't have predicted that what happened to me would have happened. So where does that leave me? Utterly confused. Confused and aching to create.

I sat across the table from Jeremy at dinner last night. I looked at his eyes, the shape of them, and at the details of his eyebrows. I saw Harper. She had those same shapes. Her precious eyes that I never saw open. She looked more like her daddy than her mommy. Yeah, I'm just not ready to give up my dream yet. My unfulfilled dream.