As stable as can be?

August 5, 2009

Have you noticed a change in my "voice" the last little bit? I certainly have. I think I was unfairly blaming it on August, but truly, I believe there is another culprit at play here. My good old friend depression. Under the direction and care of my psychiatrist, Dr. N, we had agreed I was in a good enough place to stop taking my anti-depressants (because they do have side effects that aren't so fun, but are the lesser of two evils sometimes). It took me a while to ween myself off them as I get physically ill if I stop them cold turkey. I finished my last dose just a couple of days after we returned from San Francisco. I swear to you, it's like clockwork too. Within two weeks my crying episodes have begun, just as within two weeks of beginning the medication, my crying episodes ended.

I do consider myself a tender-hearted person (smile), but not to this extent. I totally understand where the saying, "at the drop of a hat" came from, because when I'm in this state, I can feel so badly for the smallest little things that they bring me to tears: "Oh, you dropped your hat? [tears begin to trickle] I'm so sorry [sob]." When the little things affect me that way, imagine how August and I get along. Not so well.

So before I drive my husband crazy with searching for life-altering solutions to my sadness, I'm going to give the meds another try. This time I'm not going to wait for the thoughts that the only thing that will cure it all is to end my life. At least I've learned that lesson (hopefully)! You just watch too. Two weeks from today, I'd place money on the fact that I'm back in a positive, stable place emotionally (or at least as stable as I can be in my circumstances - I guess I should qualify it with that, right?).