Fear or no fear

August 16, 2009

There's a lot going on in my head today. I just haven't been feeling well the last week or so and it's really bumming me out. I could go into the details, but I'll spare you today. I don't know whether I'm having a UC flare or if the pouchitis is no longer being treated by the Cipro, or what. What I do know for sure is that I need another dilation. God damn it. So I'll call Dr. T tomorrow and see if she can get me in on Friday. My heart just sinks thinking about that. Really. Ugh. Yes, I know - I know - I could remind myself that my last dilation was June 19th and see how far I've come? Yep. I know. But today I'm disappointed and tired. I don't feel like convincing myself to be happy about it today. I don't feel like being happy that I have to finagle my work schedule so I can go to the hospital, be hooked up to an IV, stripped to my skivvies and have dilaters stuck up my rectum, yelling in pain that I vaguely remember after the drugs wear off. I just don't feel up to it today.


Yeah, and then tomorrow is another of my painful anniversary days. My would be due date. It represents what would have been Harper's first birthday. There's just so much wrapped in that, I can't even go there. I really can't.


I'm just so tired tonight. The kind of tired you get when something's wearing out your body and you have no control over it. I've been going to the bathroom so much this weekend, and it's been kind of painful. I forgot what that was like. And of course for me, with pain comes fear. And I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep it away and wake up all better. But that doesn't really happen for me.

My body has betrayed me. It's such a scary feeling not to be able to trust that your own body is going to take care of you. You don't even know how much you trust that, how much the very core of your being trusts that until it's taken away. As I sit here writing this, I'm thinking about how my body has gone off and done it's own thing, and really, with my depression, my mind has too. And so what does that leave me with? It leaves me with my spirit. That's all I have. That's all any of us has. Maybe I've been given a gift in seeing that. It's such a helpless feeling, but that's where the growth can happen, right? Down there in the dirt that is the clay of my body and mind that have crumbled around me. We have no control, just an illusion of control. It's so scary - but it's true anyway - fear or no fear. That's when surrender can be so liberating. I'm learning. I'm trying to learn. It's just so hard. It's so hard.

Am I rambling?