"So this is a decision we're making, right?"

August 17, 2009

I called to schedule a dilation with Dr. T for this Friday and was told that she was out of town and wouldn't be able to get me in until the 28th. Yikes. That was just too long. I didn't know what to do. As "luck" would have it, my afternoon appointment cancelled at work. And I just so happened to remember that Dr. G is at the clinic seeing patients on Monday afternoons (and only Monday afternoons). He told me some time ago that if I ever needed anything just to show up at the clinic and tell them I was instructed to make a nuisance of myself until they paged him or until they got me in to see him. Hmmm . . . dare I? Yes. I dared.

I took off for the hospital around noon. I felt a little bit like a stalker - a doctor stalker - going there without an appointment, insisting that they let me see him, but he told me to. They kind of laughed at me when I told them I was supposed to make nuisance of myself. There was no problem getting me in to see him. I explained what had been going on. He told me that he would see if Dr. T could get me in (before she left for out of town), and if she couldn't, he would do the dilation himself. I sat in his office while the resident working with him made the phone call and voila! Appointment! I'll be going tomorrow around noon to have my dilation done. Jeremy can't get out of work, so our friend Davey (thanks Davey!) is going to take me.

I always get nervous before my dilations. Really, I get more nervous about any news I might be given after the procedure than I get about actually having the procedure done. Every time Dr. T dilates me she also puts the camera up in there to see how my rectum and my j-pouch are looking. That's when I find things out like my UC is flaring and my rectum is inflamed or it looks like I have pouchitis going on - stuff like that - never fun, but never really a surprise either. Sometimes she even uses the little claws and takes a biopsy of j-pouch tissue to see if it really is pouchitis. Ah, too much to worry about Abby. It's all out of your control anyway. Let go. Yeah. Let go.

After the procedure I'm a little loopy and very tired. I'm usually good for a three to four hour nap on those days, with plenty of bathroom excursions peppered in for fun. Oh the fun never ends!

Ahhh. Well. I'm purposefully not writing about today being August 17th. The would be day. It's just too much to think about right now. And maybe I've thought about it enough lately. Jeremy and I had a heart to heart on Friday about having a baby. Actually the conversation started with me talking about how restless I am in trying to find the right thing for my life. Jeremy said to me, "I think we stumbled onto something when you were pregnant Abby. I think your spirit needs to mother. And I think we need to do whatever we can to make that happen for you." And then of course we talked some more.

We talked about the possibilities of me getting to a point where I would be able to get pregnant. We talked about having someone be a surrogate for us and what our criteria would be for who that person could be. And we talked about adoption. Ultimately, we decided that we want to move forward in exploring all of those options. "So this is a decision we're making, right? It's not just a discussion?" I asked him. Yep. It's a decision. We're going to move forward in exploring our options for having a family. I sort of feel like I'm knocking on the door to the universe and waiting to see who will answer. I felt like I needed to blog about this too. I need to put it out there to open myself up to opportunity. Does that make sense? So here's me, opening myself up to opportunities. Let's see what happens . . .