July 1, 2009
It's making me sick, this feeling. Jealousy. That's what it is. Pictures of friends with their children flashing in my mind. Their friendships growing ever deeper, bonding to one another in ways that I am unable to because I'm childless. My loneliness pangs. I want what they have. I'm jealous of it. And so I play out stories in my mind about how it is that they don't deserve what they have. They are elaborate stories too. And then I'm sick again. Aware of what my jealousy is doing to me. It's ugly and I don't want any part of it. I don't want it near me. God please, help me here. I don't know how to get rid of this jealousy.
Do I try to think good things about them? Do I change the stories playing out in my mind? Is that how to get rid of the jealousy? No Abby, don't fool yourself. This isn't about them. It's about you. Yes. It's about me. And then it dawns on me. I'm holding on to this jealousy because it's easier to feel than the sorrow. I'm sick of the sorrow. And I'm scared too. Scared that I will never be able to be around people with children, never be able to walk past a pregnant woman or see the love between a parent and child without feeling sorrow. And trust me, these are not images you can escape if you have any desire to be a part of the real world.
And I realize that what I need to do is cry. And I do. And crying releases the feelings. It brings authenticity back to me. The jealousy dissolves. I'm at peace again.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hello, I know you do not know me. I have begun following your blog for a few weeks now. I started from the beginning and read to today. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child. I haven't experienced it before. And, I'm not sure what your situation is like now. But have you ever thought about adoption? I have a friend who is a foster parent and she gets children ages 3 and under all the time. A few weeks ago she went and picked up a newborn baby girl from the hospital. I know biolgoically the baby would not be yours but just think about how you could change the world of a little innocent life who didn't ask to be here. It is just a thought.
ReplyDeleteAbby, for what it's worth, since becoming a mom, I have found a big difference in my friedships, and not really for the better. While one or two of the moms in my new circle I genuinely like, I've found that most of them I probably wouldn't be friends with if we didn't have a child of similar age in common, but you learn to suck it up so your child can be in a peer group or playgroup that is right for him or her. You have to change the criteria of what you look for in friendship because it's now about sharing the same parenting philosophy and having kids at the same developmental stage instead of your common interests. There is a child in our cicle that is ten days younger than my child and our kids seem to be "BFFs" and LOVE to play together. Great, but the other mom and I are 18 years apart in age, a world apart in education level, life experience, income, no common interests, etc. But we meet up for the kids to play and have boring conversations about superficial things and occasionally, we'll hit common ground, usually related to our kids. She's very nice and a very good mom, but without the kids, we wouldn't be spending time together. And as far as developing deep friendships, I don't know about other moms, but for me, upon becoming a mom, I no longer have time or opportunity for deep friendships. Every outing has to be planned around the child's needs first, and a mom's night out is a rare event indeed, so I've always got one eye on my child while trying to carry on a conversation, and it's hard to say anything deep or meaningful. Conversations these days are about pooping in the potty (okay, so that's not so different from j-pouch conversations, LOL) or why manufacturers put blue food dye in kids' yogurt.
ReplyDeleteEven worse are the competitive moms, who want to know exactly what Junior/Princess is doing developmentally so they can tell you how their child is the most amazing creature on the earth and there must be something wrong with your child if s/he is not reading by six months of age. Yuck.
But I'm not trying to say that "you're not missing out on anything" or that I don't hear what you're saying, as I recognize that you are writing about Harper's loss and feeling excluded. You have suffered a great loss, and you seem to be wading into the waters of allowing yourself to dream about getting pregnant again in the future. If it is what is right for you, go for it! But don't be surprised if you get to the other side, so to speak, and discover that it's pretty boring. But again, it is something that you have the right to discover for yourself. Good luck to you, Abby.
Jodi: Thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate it. To answer your question, adoption is an option that I've explored a little, but we just aren't there right now. We have quite a few friends who have adopted and know the joy that it has brought them, no doubt. Maybe one day. Who knows?
ReplyDeletePeace, Abby
Anonymous Mom: Thanks for your post. Grieving is hard because it's often about dreams and not realities. But all you have is dreams - you know? At least that's all I had. And it's not that I imagined picture-perfect parenthood, but when I see friends living the dream (at least from my perspective) it's hard. I think the biggest thing that helps is just allowing myself to feel sad when I'm sad instead of trying to deny the sadness. And still we go on . . . (smile)
ReplyDelete