The Dream Police

July 6, 2009

I've been alone a little too long today. I think it's making me a lee-tle bit goofy. I have all these conversations with you, the reader, in my mind during the day. Every day really. I think to myself, "Oh I want to write about that," or "What would they think if I wrote about that?" It's a strange thing, this blogging world. It's strange to know there are people out there who know really personal things about my life but don't really know me. It's strange, but that's okay with me. The honesty part of this blog has helped me more than I could explain. It's helped me be real with myself about what I'm feeling and thinking. It's helped me be a more authentic person. It's given me purpose in hoping to at least have touched one life, to have comforted at least one person, to have helped one person not feel alone. And it's taught me something else too; we can only touch each other's lives if we are real and honest about what we're going through. That's been a huge lesson for me.

Anyway . . . so today I was worrying about what the indefinable you thinks of me. Yep. I was worried. I worry about that from time to time. I let the ugly side of me show in this blog; the dark thoughts, the jealousy, the self-centered, self-pitying parts. I let them all hang out there in the name of honesty and growth. But I'm still incredibly insecure. I still just want to be liked by people like everyone else. (Did I mention I let the insecure part hang out there too?) Today was one of those days that I started questioning if this blog is still serving a purpose. Or maybe it's just that the purpose shifts from time to time for me and when it does I'm aware that it's happening. I don't know . . . like I said, it's been a long day of me and Django at home together.

Speaking of which, I was getting a little tired of being inside my own head. So what did I do? I watched the movie What Dreams May Come. If you've seen the movie, I know what you're thinking, this chic is sadistic, right? But it wasn't like that. Lately I've been drawn to movies that express things that I can relate to (somewhat any way). I could relate to the depression of the wife in this one, and to the relationship between the husband and wife. Other movies that are incredibly intense but that I seem to relate to parts of right now are In America, Fearless, Frida, and What Dreams May Come. Okay, so back to my story.

I watched the movie and then Django had to go outside and I realized I had been in the house pretty much all day, except for getting the mail and stepping outside to let him out a few times. I was feeling a little ho-hum and knew that I needed a little boost. It was way to hot to go outside and exercise, besides, I wanted to do something fun. So what did I do? I decided to dance. What the heck? My curtains were pulled closed. No one could see me. Why not? I knew it would put me in a good mood. I can't believe I'm even writing about this. I feel like such a geek. But maybe you need a good laugh today, so here's the scene:

The closest CD I could see was Cheap Trick. Okay. I could do Cheap Trick. I could rock out to that. So I put it in and the first song was Surrender. Right on. I'm not even going to try to describe myself dancing, alone in my living room. I'll let your imagination have fun with that one, but be sure the words awkward and silly are somewhere in there, okay? Django was laying on the floor, only his eyes following me as I hurdled over him to the beat. He wasn't amused. But I needed a partner, so I went to his treat jar and pulled out a treat. Bribery always works. In no time at all I had a four-legged friend dancing around the room with me, following my every move. It was hilarious. But then I think Django got a little carried away and took The Dream Police a little too seriously (him being the police, me being the robber), and he started chasing me a little too energetically. But it made me laugh, so it was all good.

I'm not even sure why I wrote about that. To make you laugh maybe? I don't know. It'll be good to get back to work tomorrow. (Don't quote me on that though.)