Flipping the coin

July 2, 2009

Such a weird paradox happening to me these days. I am enjoying, even thriving on my time alone. I love the peace and quiet of it. I love listening to my books on CD as I accomplish those tiny little household tasks that are so easy to skip over but when you do them you feel so proud of yourself. (Like doing the dishes! No, just kidding.) I might stop in the middle of my task to get down on the floor next to Django, laying my face right next to his, leaning over to kiss him by his ear, my favorite spot for the softness and earthy scent. He's not amused so I complain out loud about the fact that he's just not a cuddly dog and then get up and go about my tasks again. I want it, the alone time. I really do.

And then take that coin and flip it up in the air and watch it come down and land on the other side. That blasted other side. I'm lonely. Maybe I'm doing it to myself. I'm sure I am. But it's where I am nonetheless. And as I'm sitting here writing, I've started and erased numerous sentences. All of them want to blame my loneliness on other people for their shortcomings or inability to understand or whatever, but I keep erasing because I know I'm doing it to myself.

It's not that people can't understand. They absolutely can. I know that. I've had many women reach out to me who have had miscarriages and still-births. I've had people with j-pouches and UC reach out to me. I've had people who are sorting through their changing views on faith offer support and encouragement as I define what I believe. I have friends to goof off with. I have friends to have heart to hearts with. So what am I complaining about? Get out of this funk Abby. You're just feeling sorry for yourself! So what? I want to feel sorry for myself. Once in a while I want to soak in the muck. It takes so much work to be positive all the time. Forget that. Indulge in the negativity a little.

Ick. Just letting myself go there grosses me out a bit. I don't even want to be around me when I'm like that! Okay, so here's where the shift needs to happen, right? Haven't I been down this road before? And not so many days ago either, right?

What am I thankful for, today, right now? I'm thankful that my body is functioning as it should. I'm thankful for the job that I have. I'm thankful for the kindness of others, even when I'm not deserving. I'm thankful for iced mochas (there always has to be some gratitude for caffeine). I'm thankful for the sunshine and the rain. I'm thankful that I can learn and grow just by paying attention. I'm thankful for the patience of my friends. I'm thankful for entertainment. I'm thankful for music and musicians, for books and writers, for artists. I'm thankful for ibuprofen.

When will I learn?