July 12, 2009
I went to yoga this morning. It's something I'm determined to more frequently now. It's one of those things I was afraid of doing when I had my ostomy, and so now that I'm ostomy-free again, I want to be sure I'm actually doing it.
So I laid there on my mat, thinking about my body; thinking about how I had been so afraid to try yoga with my ostomy bag attached to me. I tried to imagine what it would have been like, doing inverted poses and having my bag flop upside down with me, worrying that with every stretch the seal would break. That's why I didn't do it. And today in class, I felt regret. Why wasn't I brave enough? Why didn't I just try it? I felt like I let this huge opportunity for growth pass me by.
I was moving and following the instructions, twisting this way and that. And then the stretch in my, geez, I guess I don't even know what muscle it was that I was stretching and that was causing me so much pain. But the pain brought my mind back to my body. What had I just been doing? My mind was elsewhere. And where was it? It was in the past. And I was beating myself up for not doing something I was afraid of. My face came into close contact with my feet and I smiled. In fact I almost started laughing. Nothing like pain to bring your attention where it needs to be. Here. Now. I realized that I needed to let go of the guilt and the regret. I did the best I could in the past. And by focusing on the regret, I was cheating myself of some wonderful moments right now.
But I just want to say, I know there are folks out there with ostomies who do yoga and run marathons and all those things that I did not have the courage to do. I just want you to know, you are an inspiration to me. Thank you for your courage.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I always loved to tell this story about when I had my ostomy: "I finally got the courage to go swimming with it. I changed into one of those little disposable ostomy mini-bags that don't empty. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the water pressure kept the bag from filling up. When I got out of the pool, I was feeling braver than ever and took a shower -- NAKED -- in the communal shower at the YMCA. Hooray for me!" Then I'd give a little smarty-pants smile and say, "Of course, I was feeling brave because I was the only person in the locker room late at night..." :-) It was a moment of achievement for me, though. Like I was pushing the envelope and DARING someone to see it. "That's right, I've got an ostomy. Wanna make somethin' of it?!" Of course, it was easy for me to be that confident when no one else was around, but I was proud, as was my husband.
ReplyDeleteOf course, the second part of this story happened right after my final j-pouch surgery. I was so glad that the bag was gone! Hubby and I went swimming as soon as I was cleared by the surgeon to do so. And guess what -- I got sick and vomited all over the pool deck, barely making it to the side of the pool before puking all over. Oh well.
I'm glad those days are behind me (no pun intended) but at least I know now that if I had to go back to an ostomy for some reason, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I didn't say that the first time around. Live and learn.
Cheers to you, Abby.
You are my hero! In moments that I need courage, I will be thinking of you - seriously. Thank you for telling me that story! (Plus it made me smile!)
ReplyDeleteAbby