It was not too late

December 5, 2010

"She was dying." Dr. V's words have been stuck in my head since my appointment with him on Thursday. I knew it was serious. I felt like I was dying. I thought I was dying, I guess I just didn't realize that the doctors thought so too. Dr. V wasn't the first doctor to say that to me either. A year or so ago when I went to an appointment with my OB at the hospital, she told me that the nurses were talking about me saying, "She's the one who tried to die on us." The only time a doctor actually said something like that to me during my hospitalization was in the beginning, when Dr. S told me my situation was a "life or death" one.

On the one hand, hearing those words from Dr. V have provided a sense of relief for me. I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so much with life now, with understanding it all? I'm having a hard time because it all happened so suddenly and because I almost lost my life. And I did lose the life of my daughter. It was just so much. It flipped me upside down and turned me inside out. Completely.

While I may have been, no, was dying, I was very aware of the life force inside me too. For those who were with me during that time, I think they would agree that life was all that was left of me. Everything else that had made up who I was before was stripped away and that life force was all that remained. It's an unreal thing to be stripped down to that point. To see the essence of what really makes me who I am as a living being, man, it's crazy. Because I'll tell ya, we do a lot of fooling ourselves about what makes us who we are.

How Harper fits into it all is still confusing to me. Were we sharing the same life force? Did she have her own little life force that she was trying to hold onto while fighting the disease too? Did my life trump hers? Why do I even spend so much time thinking about these things? Why can't I just let it be as it is? And you know, some days I can. But some days, when I'm thinking about my life and the impact I want to have, or the difference I want to make in this world, I get caught up in the game of trying to figure it all out. I get frustrated, confused, and sad. It's usually at that point that I stop myself. You don't have to understand it all to live a life of love Abby. Just keep doing your best to love. You'll figure the rest out in time. And then I'm able to let out a big sigh. Yes. Love. I can do that.

Angel Dream (Tom Petty)

I dreamed you, I saw your face
Caught my lifeline when drifting through space
I saw an angel, I saw my fate
I can only thank God it was not too late

Over mountains I floated away
Across an ocean I dreamed her name
I followed an angel down through the gates
I can only thank God it was not too late

Sing a little song of loneliness
Sing one to make me smile
Another round for everyone
I'm here for a little while

Now I'm walking this street on my own
But she's with me everywhere I go
Yeah I found an angel, I found my place
I can only thank God it was not too late
I can only thank God it was not too late
I can only thank God it was not too late