Healing for everyone

December 14, 2010

What time is it? 4:13? Oh man. That's way too early. You've got to go back to sleep. Lay on your back. Yeah. That'll help. Then you won't have to feel like you have to go to the bathroom so badly. Oh boy. Remember what sleeping was like when you had your ostomy? Remember how you couldn't lay on your left side like that? And no sleeping on your stomach. Are you sure you're up for that again?

I could feel my heart beat in my chest. I could feel my breathing quicken. Relax Abby. Don't think about that. Think about something else. I lay in the quiet and hear the thickness of the air around my ears. I focus on the pattern of both Jeremy and Django's inhale and exhale. I wonder if I'll have to have a PIC line again. I wonder if my sleep will be encumbered by tubes from my arm to a bag of fluids. Jessica has a PIC line right now because of her pregnancy. She's 24 weeks. That's when I lost Harper. 24 weeks. She still has some weeks to go before she meets the mark of when she lost her little girl. Oh the fear she's experiencing. . . I get it. I really do.

There's so much fear out there. What was it Jason was saying to me about Blake and lost innocence? I need to read those poems. That's how I feel, like pain has stolen my innocence. But that's how we all feel. Everyone is going through something. Everyone. Tara, Emma, Lisa, Maria, Tami, Jessica . . . take a deep breath Abby. Oh God. Why is there so much pain? I just don't get it. I can't even hope for a world without pain, can I? So if I can't hope for a world without pain, what can I hope for? You can hope to handle it with grace. And you can love Abby. Remember? You can love. Keep loving. But it's so hard to love. It really is. It's so hard to open my heart to the pain that other people are feeling. It touches something so deep inside of me. And it hurts. And quite honestly, it scares me. It does that for everyone Abby. Everyone feels that way. But we have to keep on doing it, don't we? Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.

Okay God. I'm praying right now from a place of fear and of skepticism and of complete overwhelm. But I'm praying because I have not lost hope that you will hear my prayer. The only things I feel I can even beseech you (if there is a you) for are peace, love, and comfort. Healing would be nice too God. Healing for everyone.