Nice and easy

November 3,00 2009

I don't quite understand why when I wake up in the night, memories of being in the hospital are the images that are there with me. It's like they've moved from the forefront of my mind to the edge of my subconscious and they just hang out there waiting for my reality to be unclear to pounce. This morning at 3-something I struggled with memories of the 100 pounds of fluid weight I carried while I was in the hospital. All these frustrations came to mind that made going back to sleep difficult for me.

There are still unanswered questions. There are unanswered questions that I have to let go of. For the most part I have, but at 3-something in the morning, they find their way back to me. I could list for you what the questions are, but I know that won't be helpful for me. Why do I want answers? Why do any of us want answers? Because with answers comes responsibility: someone or something to blame. It gives us a sense of control over tragedy and the randomness of it all. With answers comes protection: we can keep horrors from happening to us again if we know why they happened to begin with. But things just don't happen that way. So I'll keep on learning to let go of my desire to control everything around me so bad things don't happen again. I'll let go of the questions, as hard as that may be, and trust that if (or should I say when) bad things happen, I will have the strength and support to deal with them.

Oh Abby, it all sounds so nice and easy, but you know it's not. No it's not easy, not when your heart has broken. Blah, blah, blah - just words.

If I keep telling myself that's what I want to believe, maybe it will make it easier to believe it.