I am going to do this

November 18, 2009

"Hello. This is Abby."

"Hi Abby. You had called and left a message asking for information about the Footprints group?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to be sure of the day and time the group meets because I've read a couple of differing schedules on-line."

"Oh sure. The group meets on the first Tuesday of the month at 7:30 p.m. Can I ask if the group is for yourself?"

"Yeah it is."

"Do you mind if I ask about your loss?"

"Of course. We lost our daughter at five months. She was stillborn." I started to get a little choked up here.

She asked if it was due to a certain disease that I had heard of before, but that I couldn't name for you now. I told her it wasn't. I gave her the brief sketch of what happened and the other loss (of my colon) that has complicated the grieving process. She was kind and respectful. She sympathized with me and all we've been through.

"So, are there just women in the group, or who all attends?" I asked.

"Anyone who has been touched by the loss. You can bring any of your support people. We have grandparents that attend, parents, family members. Anyone is welcome."

"How many people do you typically have?"

"Anywhere from three to eight. Of course the holiday season tends to have more people attending. The holidays are hard for people."

"The holidays are hard for me," I said. I wanted to tell her that Harper was conceived at (if not on) Thanksgiving in 2007, but I kept my mouth shut. The tears were starting to well up.

And then she asked the sweetest question. "What is your daughter's name?"

A small smile came across my face. Thank you. Thank you for asking me about my daughter. "Harper Lee Cashman."

"Oh that's cute."

"We named her after Nelle Harper Lee who wrote To Kill A Mockingbird."

She welcomed me again to attend the group. She said she understood how hard it was to start attending a group. I agreed. I told her I was going to plan on attending in December.

And now? Now I have a sense of relief. It's time for me to do this. Not because the grief is unbearable. It isn't anymore. But because I need to be around people who have shared this experience. I need to feel understood. I need to be around people who will normalize what I've been through. I have friends who have been through it and are supporting me through cyber-space, but I need it in person right now. 2000 miles is too far away right now. I need another woman who has been through this to put her arms around me and cry with me.

So this is my commitment to make myself go, no matter how hard it is to drive the almost hour across town by myself and to walk into the room full of strangers. I am going to do this. I am.