And still I yearn

November 6, 2009

I've been in a funk lately, emotionally speaking. I'm noticing a pattern to this funk too. Every month when I ovulate it happens to me. The other night I came across a journal that I bought when I was pregnant with Harper. Such a pretty journal. It has flowers along the edges. At the top in small print is the word "BEGIN." There's a butterfly at the bottom outlined in hints of gold. I sat looking at the journal and traced the gold with my fingers. I remember picking it out. I was so excited that this journal was going to be my pregnancy journal. Now the word "BEGIN" just mocks me.

I opened the journal and started reading, only to slam it shut a few moments later. Nope. Couldn't do it. I wish I didn't know what I was missing out on. I wish I had never been pregnant. Ignorance is bliss. Instead, I know. Before I was pregnant there wasn't the deep, deep desire that I have now to carry a baby. My whole world changed when I was pregnant. A deep contentment came over me. The world was full of such vibrant colors. I marveled at everything. Everything was beautiful. I know, it sounds sappy, doesn't it? But that's what happened to me. And that was how I felt even when I was getting sick!! Oh, not to mention what feeling Harper move inside me was like.

It doesn't just go away, the desire. I feel like an addict sometimes the way I think about it, the way I want it. I think about how my body was denied the completion of the process it had started. My body was cheated, I was cheated. Drops of milk escaped from my breasts for a while after I delivered Harper. Oh that was hard. The fibers of my being knew it was not fair or right what happened.

And still I yearn . . .