My to-do list

November 15, 2009

Things have been rocky for Jeremy and me lately. I'm going to be honest with you here. You hear me gush about how much I love him and how thankful I am for our marriage, so I figured it's only fair that you also know about the work that goes into getting there.

When we have problems, I so want to be able to pinpoint where they came from, first of all so we can avoid dealing with the same issues again in the future, but I would by lying if I didn't also want to be able to blame someone, particularly Jeremy and not me. That's not so much the case this time though.

I would say the rough patch started almost a month ago now. I think the biggest contributing factor was that I went off my anti-depressants. This time I didn't get all weepy like I did last time I tried to go off them. No, this time I got incredibly irritable. And when I say incredibly irritable, I mean it. The smallest irritation or infraction turned into full blown temper tantrums or telling-off episodes in my mind. It took all the restraint I could muster not to allow what was playing out in my head to become a reality. I noticed it happening right away. This is not who I am. I am normally a pretty patient, calm person. The change was quite apparent to me and it happened in conjunction with going off my anti-depressants.

Of course Jeremy noticed what was happening and we talked about it. If my anti-depressants didn't have certain side effects, I would take them forever. But I reached a point where the side effects were no longer worth the benefits, at least so long as this irritability piece was something that would pass. So we agreed that I would ramp up my exercise routine to help with my biochemistry and see if in a month or so my body could find a balance on its own. Meanwhile, Jeremy agreed to be patient with me and I agreed to seclude myself if the world was irritating me too much. (It wasn't just at home that the irritations happened - it was everywhere.) Things have been improving too. For the most part the short-fuse has passed, though I don't think completely.

Okay. So that's one part of the formula. With the irritability I began to pick, pick, pick at Jeremy. All the little things that irritated me I made known with a vengeance. Of course, it was beginning to wear on him. Add to the irritability piece the grief process. Oh these two do not mix well, let me tell you. There is a big gaping whole in my life right now where I wish there was a child. There was supposed to be a child. There is no child. And so emotionally speaking I'm flailing about the house, dissatisfied with what we've got going on. Nothing is filling the void. And quite frankly, instead of being sad about it, it was pissing me off. With this too Jeremy was on the receiving end of the verbalized dissatisfaction. I've been throwing at him all kinds of things we should be doing, trying to blame him for my dissatisfaction. Oh Abby, it's a wonder he hasn't left you yet.

And the final piece to what has been our bit of hell on earth lately (at least the final piece I've been able to sort out) is fear. I am hypervigilant about how we both have dealt with the tragedies that have come our way. If I'm not always watching how the grief and the fear and the loss is affecting us, I'm afraid it would carry us away to places far apart from each other; to a place where recovering our marriage would not be an option. Have you ever been sideswiped before? Have you ever seen someone be sideswiped in their car? BOOM, out of nowhere impact happens; terrifying, life changing impact. Nothing you saw coming. It takes a long time to recover from that kind of thing happening.

Our sideswipe was major. What was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives turned into loss and life threatening circumstances with what seemed like the flip of a switch. Have you been there? Do you know what I'm talking about? How the fear is there afterwards? Just when you think you've got a handle on the fear and you find yourself not looking over your shoulder so much, something good happens and you remember how quickly you can lose the things you hold dear. You struggle to find a way to control things in a world that is out of control. Well, all of this is still happening for Jeremy and me. I think we're doing well with processing it all, each on our own and also together, but when there are other things (such as the things I've been writing about) that take my attention, I start to panic because I've lost track of where we're at. Are we doing okay? Have we been letting the fear dominate?! I haven't been paying attention! Oh no!! It sounds almost silly, I know. But it's where we're at. What can I say?

We've had quite a few intense conversations lately. Yesterday being one of them. And I realized that I need to take responsibility here. We create our own hell. I have been working pretty diligently on my very own one right here. Enough of the should thinking. That only gets me in trouble. No more I should have a baby; We should be living a different life right now. No more dissatisfaction with what we've got. Gratitude. Yes, gratitude for what we do have. No more FEAR! Or at least no more allowing fear to guide me. We will be able to work through whatever we face, because we are both committed to doing so. So those are all on my to-do list right now. No problem, right (smile)?