October 27, 2009
I'm feeling so restless these days. I say to myself time and time again throughout each day, "Enjoy the here and now Abby. Don't miss out on the goodness today has to offer." I think what's really happening is that I'm feeling a bit hopeless about the baby situation. The adoption process is just so slow, and it feels like such a long way off, it's hard for me to believe that it's really going to happen. Meanwhile, I sit and listen to the women in the mother's club talk about the trials and joys of parenting, waiting for my time. I'm an outsider for now. Any woman who has struggled with starting a family understands the mother's club. You may have the skills, the love, the knowledge - you may have everything it takes to be a great mother, but until you have the child you have no way of paying your dues to join the club. Maybe the mother's club is a figment of my imagination. Maybe it's paranoia at my pain and loss and desire being plastered on the front of my chest in big red words. Hmmm . . . I just don't know.
So a month or so ago I started on this organizing frenzy in our house, right? Nesting, I think. But I don't know how far to go with the whole nesting thing. Would completely converting my study/craft room into a nursery right now help me feel hopeful, or would it be painful? I was watching Law and Order the other night (I get sucked into Law and Order) and there was an episode where this woman, this crazy woman (who turned out to be the murderer of course!), was setting up a nursery in her home even though she was having a hard time getting pregnant. The show was obviously trying to make her look as crazy as could be, but it kind of made me laugh and kind of upset me all at once. I guess it just made me aware of how society too characterizes those of us on the outside of the mother's club.
Geez, I think I'm starting to sound a little bitter here. I better stop. Sorry.
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The club is a double-edged sword. What I have found is that it is a club with members that often are not people I would want to hang around or talk a great deal to if Jr. weren't involved. Membership is due to the circumstance. I think the mommy club is the thing that I like least about parenting -- by far. I am constantly attending events and having to make small talk with people that I normally wouldn't be interested in spending a great deal of time with for the sake of my child. I describe it as people I'm friendly with, not people I'm friends with.
ReplyDeleteIn our circles, filled with over-achieving highly educated, successful people, I have to listen to Mommy A describe how Baby X is so beautiful that international modeling agencies are knocking down their door begging for their child to work for them and Mommy B wants to wow us all with how Baby Z can name all of the planets at age 2 and must be the next best thing to astronomy after Galleleo! It grows tiresome to be around people who won't admit that motherhood is often less than perfect and that most of us just do the best we can.
But I understand that you want it to be your choice to join, not a membership option that is denied to you. Just don't be surprised if you find that membership in the club isn't all it's cracked up to be.
When referring to the "Mother's Club," I'm not talking about those superficial, clique-type mothers. Those people are everywhere - not just in mothering groups. I'm talking about the conversations that normal, every day mothers who love their children for who they are get to have with each other that as a mother without a child I do not get to participate in.
ReplyDeleteYou obviously are a parent (I'm guessing a dad?). Do you share fun stories about the cute things your kids did with others? Do you complain with other parents about sleepless nights or kids with the flu? Do you talk about how you would do anything for your kids? How they changed your life? Do you marvel at their development every day? You get to do those things because you are in the parent club. That's the club I'm talking about.
I completely get the club you're referring to, friend.
ReplyDeleteI've been in "the club" and participated in the conversations. I've sometimes held my own - without having true comparisons to share with the mothers, just many years of old nanny experiences that would help me relate. I can even make a connection (only in my head, of course) with being a parent to my dogs. I can't really mention them while contributing to the group - that would be crazy right! :)
But, when I'm there, doing the "mommy-talk" thing, there have been times where I drift off thinking about my losses and my personal yearning for a child. When that happens I can feel that bitterness coming on and the wanting to escape the group or at the least - the conversations of parenting. I think to myself "Can we change the subject already! We could talk about pop culture, the weather, - anything!"
It's what we - our friends talk about now. And naturally, right? It used to be crushes, fights, school, parties, marriage - now naturally it's parenthood. But, when you have been faced with a loss and are facing an unknown path to motherhood - it can make it more difficult that you once imagined... xoxo - treehouse
Exactly treehouse - exactly. I almost laughed reading your response because during those conversations I too have referred to past nanny days, and yes - my dog (my friends know that Django is my baby and many of them had dogs before children so I don't seem quite so crazy to them - I think), and most frequently my nieces and nephews. But it just ain't the same, and everyone in the conversation seems painfully aware of my sorry attempts. It can be awkward too for those friends who know my loss and are sensitive to it. I don't want them to walk on egg-shells around me. I just know that sometimes I have to politely excuse myself or, even harder yet, sit and be quiet!
ReplyDeleteSome day . . . some day. Thank you for relating. Hugs. Abby
Comment poster #1 again. It's not a superficial "mothering group." I can be mothers anywhere. What you describe and I describe are not two mutually exclusive groups at all or even mutually exclusive people. If only life was that simple and one-dimensional, I wouldn't mind the mother's club quite so much. But that's my point -- being in the mother's club means you no longer have the choice to be with the superficials or the "normal everyday mothers" as they all are card-carrying members in the same club and you can't separate them. You have equal exposure to both types (sometimes they're even the same person). At least that's the case when your child is young and makes friends. You are stuck interacting with the parents whether or not they are superficial or "normal everyday" types.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I've learned after multiple kids is that if there is one mommy or daddy in your child's class -- from preschool on up -- that you loathe and want to avoid, it's pretty much a given that your child is going to end up being inseperable best friends with their child and you end up interacting with the parents whether you like it or not. This is why I describe it as "double-edged." Yes, you get to share your stories with other moms and develop relationships and friendships based on the shared journey and experience of motherhood, but it doesn't stop there. Once your child starts being a social being outside of your home, there is no control over who invades your world. Case in point: a vindictive woman that I work with has a daughter in my child's class. Come birthday party time, I can't exclude her daughter from being invited to a party that all of the other classmates are invited to simply because I don't like her mother. My child would be hurt, as would her child. So I put a smile on my face and welcome her into my home just as I would any other parent. It's just the way it goes when you have entry to the club. It's not all hearts and flowers of "normal, everyday" mothers at all. But that's a nice thought though -- a world where you only have to deal with the normal, everyday types, but not the reality of motherhood, whether you join a "mothering club" or not.
And I'm a mom, not a dad.
But I do understand that you want the right and the opportunity to find out for yourself. And like the Grand Canyon, all of the explaining that I try to do will not come close to the actual experience of being there for yourself. But just don't be too surprised when suddenly your village includes more than people that you would chose to interact with.
I think I get what you're saying. You're right - the two ideas are not mutally exclusive. I'm finding myself getting a little defensive in reading your posts and I'm not sure why. I'm sorry if I've responded to you from that place - that's more about my insecurities than anything. You're right too in that I do want to find out for myself. You know, it took Jeremy and me ten years to decide that we wanted to start a family, and much of the difficulty in deciding was based on the fact that we thought about the realities of parenting far more than any people I've ever known who were deciding to have kids (you could ask any of my friends and family about that - many laughed at how much we talked about pros and cons - mostly the cons). I used to work as a child therapist at a group home for kids who just came out of detention or were removed from their homes by CPS (that kind of thing) and I think that too contributed to me weighing maybe a little too heavily on the negative side of what parenting could be like (even though I was by no means a parent to those kids). I'm finally to a place where I've let go of the fear of dealing with the challenges and am embracing the joy that a child can bring. But I hope I don't come across as Pollyannaish in describing my desire.
ReplyDeleteI've had many conversations with family members about the difficulty in dealing with the parents of their kids' friends as you've described above. I admire parents who are willing to set aside their feelings for their children's happiness. There aren't enough parents out there who do that if you ask me (but again, I work all day long with parents who are going through divorces and who seem to be thinking more about the conflict between them and the other parent than what's best for their kids - so maybe my views are a little lopsided).
Again, I apologize if I've come across as defensive in my responses. I guess I have a little more introspection to do about my insecurities and a little growing to do. Ahhh . . . it never ends, does it? (smile)
Abby