I still weep in my dreams

October 5, 2009

It's a strange thing to weep in your dreams. Have you ever done that? I don't know that I ever had before I lost Harper. But since then, it's something that happens to me from time to time.

Friday evening I got home from work and was so tired. "I just need to take a short nap, and then I'll get up and pack for our camping trip," I told Jeremy as I snuggled into the blankets on the couch. The news was on the TV. And as I began to drift, a story caught my attention. It was the story of the miracle baby. Did you see that? A little girl was born and weighed just under one pound. She survived and was finally going home. They showed pictures of her when she was born. And there before me on the TV was Harper. She too was just under one pound when she was born. She too had the same little skinny legs and arms. She too was fully developed. But Harper, she lacked the life blood that this little miracle baby had flowing through her. And then I drifted . . .

It wasn't till the next day that I remembered my dream. In it I was sobbing, telling people that Harper was just like the miracle baby, only Harper didn't live. "Why couldn't my baby live?" I sobbed. There were others in my dream that I was talking to, but I couldn't hear anything but my own sobs.

It's been a while since I really wept over Harper in my waking life. Tears escape here and there in conversations with loved ones. I might get misty eyed thinking about her, but I still weep in my dreams. I still weep in my dreams.