I feel better now

October 15, 2009

I woke up around 4:00 a.m. this morning. After a brief stint of can I get back to sleep or should I get up and enjoy the morning? I decided to get up. So here I sit, waiting for my coffee to cool to a drinkable degree and pondering what I want to write about. I could chit-chat about the goings on of my week or about the upcoming anniversary of the creation of my j-pouch, but what's really going on in my head today is doubt.

I know that every parent has doubts, even while they are actually in the act of parenting (especially while they are in the act of parenting), but yesterday I was plagued by doubts of Jeremy and my ability to parent. I guess that's not an accurate statement. It's not that I doubt our ability to parent, it's that I fear what parenting will do to our marriage. That sounds so grim and like I doubt our marriage, which I don't. I guess it's that my marriage is the most important thing in the world to me and I worry about throwing the balance that we've found off. What if we lose what we've got by adding this new, huge, profound element?

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: But parenting together could also make your marriage better, deeper, stronger. I know. (Self dialogue: Stop being so negative Abby. Why can't you just relax already?) And usually that's what I focus on, all the wonderful things parenting together will add to us. But yesterday the fears crept in.

But this process I'm going through is completely normal - right? Our marriage has ups and downs right now and it will continue to do so when we have another member of our family. We know how to do this marriage thing. So there will be new factors, new challenges we have to work out together. We know how to do that. We aren't afraid of working on things. Quite the contrary. We both know the work is what makes it so good. So really, we just need to keep on doing what we're doing now. Things will be okay. Or even better than okay, Abby.

Alright. I feel better now. Thanks.