Something that happened

August 18, 2010

The feelings are fading. Especially the fear. I find myself reminded of something that happened in the hospital and my entire body is no longer affected by the memory. I can talk to people about my experiences without the urgency I used to have. It's becoming something that happened. I'm not weepy any more. I'm finding a routine, a rhythm to my life that is familiar. Ah yes. I'm remembering how my life felt. I remember. But it feels like this life now is muted somehow. Faint whispers of what it once was. It's not bad. The familiarity is comforting. I still wonder though, will the colors ever be as crisp as they once were? Will excitement ever reach the level it once did? Will it always be tempered somewhat with fear or sadness?

I am not fully engaged in my life yet. I can see myself holding my arm up, keeping everything at a distance. A safe distance. I laugh at the irony now when I picture myself in the hospital struggling to get up and go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. That's all you have to do. Just keep going Abby. Focus on what you have to do and you can do it. What did I fight so hard for if not to LIVE and to live fully? Then for crying out loud Abby - DO IT! Live fully. Don't be afraid. Hope. Love. Dream. You can do it. I know you can. How do I know? Because I've seen you do it. I've seen you face everything you were afraid of. And you survived.

That's right. I survived. (I'm trying hard not to bust out into song. That's right. You know what I'm talking about. I know you're hearing it too. That's okay, right? It's a good song to focus on once in a while. Hope you're smiling . . .)