August 4, 2010
I've been sick the last couple of days. (I hate writing that. I hate being sick and I feel like there's always something wrong with my stupid body and I'm embarrassed to write that I'm sick, yet again.) This morning I went to the lab and had a chest x-ray done. As I was changing into the paper gown and donning a lead apron, I thought about the many, many x-rays I've had done the past few years. I thought about all that radiation that my body has been exposed to. And then I thought about Harper, and all the radiation she was exposed to. And I thought about the medications she was exposed to. And about the way she was nourished in the final weeks of her life (through TPN - chemically engineered nourishment that was pumped straight to my heart), and about how she never really had a chance. I was deluding myself the times I said out loud, "I'm leaving here with my baby and my colon."
Then it hit me. Saying "she never really had a chance," is so close to saying that this was part of the plan. This is the way my life was supposed to unfold. And before all of this happened, I used to believe that there was a purpose for things, a reason. A plan, if you will. But then when my own body turned on me and nearly killed me, when my daughter died inside me and I had to deliver her, I just couldn't believe that any more. I just couldn't. That "God" had planned for this to happen to me? No thanks. And so I've been left to sort through the why of it without the foundation that I used to rely on to explain it to me. And it has left me devastated, fearful, and frustrated.
I tell myself sometimes, You don't need to have life all figured out to keep on living it Abby. You just keep going, day after day. Do you think everyone else around you has it all figured out? No. But everyone else keeps on going too. And I marvel at how people do that. Do other people think about these things? How do they reconcile the pain? It amazes me, that we as a species keep on plugging away without having the answers, or in the very best situations, having answers built on faith that they are true.
It's funny though. I've almost come full circle in my beliefs. I'm almost to the point where I need to believe in a plan again, because living my life without knowing there is a reason is too depressing. It's kept some anger and pain at bay, but not for long. Perhaps it's time to entertain those thoughts and just accept the emotions that will come with them.
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I don't know if there is a plan, but I do personally know that good can come out of the pain. I look at my 2 boys and know that they would not be here with me if my other babies had lived. Would I ever trade the joy of these kids to take away the pain of my other losses? Was this all meant to be?
ReplyDeleteOh yes my dear, other people have these thoughts. I never had a plan I believed in, though so I didn't suffer that loss as you did, but I fumble through the days amidst the pointlessness wondering why. There are so many days when I just go through the motions because I have to. But like you, I have the days where the questions quiet down and I am able to live and enjoy it. Moments even of great joy that make you feel as though you do know. I have read you living out both extremes. I guess life is this way... like a teeter totter switching between the high and low, with glimpses of the in between. Letting go of the why is hard, but so is the endless questioning. Lots of love to you Abby.
ReplyDeleteAbby, so sorry to hear you have not been feeling well. You continue to be in my constant prayers my dear friend! I hope somehow you can find the strength to keep strong!
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