No guilt

August 13, 2010

I had a massage last night. Oh it was so wonderful. Getting massages these days isn't just doing something luxurious. It's therapeutic for me. It's an act of showing love to this body of mine that I have so many negative feelings about. I'm trying to rebuild a foundation that has crumbled; a foundation of gratitude, trust, and care.

I'm keenly aware of the fact that if we had kids, massages would not be something I would indulge in. I have a hard enough time spending money on myself as it is, but if we had kids, no way would I be able to spend the money. I'm aware of that any time I buy a mocha or chai tea latte too. I'm aware of it as I take a two hour nap on a Saturday and/or Sunday afternoon.

I don't want kids right now. I can't say I won't want them in the future, but right now, I don't. Jeremy and I spent ten years of our married life NOT wanting kids. Before we decided to try to get pregnant with Harper, we spent a lot of time going over the pros and cons, talking about all the sacrifices we would have to make, discussing the financial ramifications, etc., etc. When I say a lot of time, I'm talking years. Even when we tried to get pregnant with Harper, we had said we would try for two months and if it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. Of course I got pregnant the first month.

It's a strange paradox too - grieving the loss of a child and being in a place of not wanting children. I've finally gotten to a place where I can say that I don't want a baby right now without feeling like I'm betraying Harper. I am not yet to the place where I can say "I'm happy I don't have kids." I feel like it should be okay to say that, but there is this little voice in the back of my head that says, "But if you say that then you're saying you didn't want Harper." I know, I know. That's not what that means. It just all gets so mixed up in my mind. The only reason I'm writing about this is to share with people how complicated the grief process is.

Until I get it all figured out, I'm going to allow myself to enjoy my mochas and massages. No guilt! Right?