Who knew?

December 22, 2009

I want my old life back, I thought to myself yesterday. Who knew the holidays would be so hard? I didn't, that's for sure. I miss Harper every day. Every day. I've been having a hard time lately too because there's this annoying little voice in my head saying, You should be better than this by now. This shouldn't hurt so much any more. But it does. It all seems to unreal to me sometimes too. Was I really pregnant? Did I really wear maternity clothes and rest my hands on my protruding tummy? Was that really me? I went through it all, but I have no baby so sometimes it seems like something I dreamt, a story I wrote in my head. But then I see her footprints in my wallet, or hanging in a frame in our fireside room, or catch a glimpse of the photo album full of pictures of her and I remember that I didn't make this all up as a way to torture myself. No. It really happened.

I just haven't been feeling well physically lately either. As planned with Dr. G, I went off my Cipro last week and tried relying on probiotics to help my chronic pouchitis. It didn't take long for things to get bad. Just a couple of days and my bowel movements were like water, all day long, many times a day. I woke up in the morning on Friday with a headache, which turned to a nasty migraine by mid-morning. I think I was dehydrated. It was just too hard to keep up with all the fluid I was losing. I'm back on the Cipro. I'm still struggling with aching and cramping and some blood when I wipe. None of that's good. And my mind is just worn out from all the thinking and weighing the decision to have surgery. I'm just so exhausted.

I decided it was time to try to get in to see Dr. N for a little therapy again. I'm hoping he calls me back today. We'll see . . . I'd like to end this post with some up-beat comment about how I'm hanging in there, but I just don't feel like it. Sorry.