December 9, 2009
So I made my way to the Footprints support group last night for the first time. I had a headache that got worse and worse as the day worn on. By evening time it hurt to move. I wanted to curl up in the blankets and watch TV, but I knew I couldn't do that. Not last night. The group was all the way on the other side of town from me and I knew I wasn't going to get home until probably 10 p.m. All things I was telling myself as I drove there asking myself, Why are you doing this Abby? But then some song on the radio distracted me and low and behold, what did I start thinking about? Harper. Tears started coming. This is why you're doing this Abby.
As with any support group, the details are confidential, so I can't share with you things other people said (obviously). But what I can tell you is that it was the first time I have cried with other people who knew. And that meant so very much.
One of the things I realized as I sat in the group was that Jeremy and I never memorialized Harper publicly. For one, my health just didn't leave me in a position where planning some type of memorial was really feasible. But now, now it is. I think that might be something that I need to do to bring her existence in to my world, not just my home. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. Don't get me wrong, I talk about Harper to people who knew what went on. She's not some secret, and I want people to know that. I heard a woman once say, "Talk to me about my dead baby. Trust me, you aren't going to make me feel any worse than I have already felt by bringing it up." I know people have no idea how to approach that type of conversation. Perhaps by having a memorial service, Jeremy and I could let people know that it's okay to talk about her, ask about her, and we could show them the language we use. Does that make sense?
All in all the support group was just what I needed for right now. I don't know if I'll need to go again or not, but it's so good to know that it's there, and I'm ever so grateful for the other people who were willing to open up and share their hearts with me too.
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I think a memorial service for her would help you so much! I know for me, whenever my heart aches its most, or on special days (like Christmas) David and I always get into the car and drive to her grave. I stand there and cry, and talk to her, and David prays and begs God to bless us again someday. I am glad you found a group to go to. I'm sure that was very special! Anyways, Do what your heart tells you to do. One thing I will always treasure is the beautiful scrapbook my sister helped me put together from the day I knew she was there till the day she was gone. It is such a special keepsake! maybe even something like this....
ReplyDeleteMy love and prayers to you!!