The Good Days

December 6, 2009

I don't even realize how good I can feel physically until I have days like I had yesterday and today. I don't know what the magic formula is, and quite frankly that bothers me a little, but I'll take the good days when I get them, no matter how infrequently they may come.

Okay, actually, it bothers me a lot that I don't know what made the last couple of days so good. And seriously, it makes me want to cry because I think, Am I living in pain and discomfort on a daily basis and I don't have to? Things were so tough for me for so long with needing dilations and such. It was an incredibly painful and trying time, and so I'm actually thankful for what I deal with now and I've accepted it. I don't really talk about it to people, except maybe Jeremy, and even then I keep pretty quiet. I have figured that this is the way my life is going to be. But then I have a couple of days where I feel normal and I wonder, does it have to be this way?

So how is it? It's kind of hard to explain. There is this constant pressure and cramping that I walk around with. Hmm . . . I don't really know how to describe it. I'm sure folks with UC understand what I'm talking about. And after I go to the bathroom I feel it too. From time to time you'll find me in my office fighting back the tears after I've gone to the bathroom. I suppose it's like the feeling you have after you've gone to the bathroom when you were sick with diarrhea and the stomach flu, only it's pretty constant for me. You know what I'm talking about? So what do I do? I take something for the pain. I take a warm bath. I'm sure I'd be justified in taking prescription pain meds, but I just don't even want to go down that path. So I don't.

Honestly? I think it's worse than I've let on or even than I've let myself believe. Geez. I really wonder if I've been in denial. And what's the alternative? Another surgery, because medications just don't seem to get it done. Ugh. No freakin' way. I just don't want to do that. So maybe that's why I'm in denial. It's how I cope.

And as this evening rolls around, the good feeling, the normal feeling, has passed. But hey, it was a good weekend. I got in a couple of nice runs with my husband and sat through an entire movie without even having to use the bathroom at the end!