I'll get there

July 2, 2010

I've been in a negative head space lately. And you know what? I'm kind of embarrassed about it. Like it's my fault or something. Like it's a character flaw or failing on my part. Geez Abby. Let it go. But here I am, having a hard time. Again.

You should be over this by now. No one's going to want to spend time with you any more. You're so negative. You're going to be one of those people who only talks about their health or their depression or their losses. One of those people that others see coming and turn to go the other way. You better be quiet about it.
I don't know why, but I've been in a lot of pain lately. All day long. I broke down sobbing on my way in to work the other day. Suck it up Abby. You've got to do this. You've got to work. Keep going. So I did. But every time I felt the pain, I just really wanted to give up. I guess I'm just tired. Plum tuckered out. I wish I knew what was causing the pain. It was the same thing a couple of weeks ago that caused me to go in and see Dr. G, and then have my pouchoscopy procedure that said everything looked fine. Then why the heck am I having these days where I'm in so much pain? I think part of the feeling of wanting to give up comes from feeling like there aren't answers. But sometimes we have to live without answers, don't we? It's hard. There's no way around it. But we all have to do it. We make sense of what we can, and try to live the rest. I guess I just need to trust that in the afterlife things will make sense to me.

I've been alone a lot lately too. That probably isn't the best thing for me. I haven't been reaching out to friends much. I've been eating more comfort foods than usual. I'm trying to keep myself exercising because I know that's good for me, but I get on the treadmill and walk for 10 minutes and think, "Ah, what's the point?"

I know! Don't you just want to shake me?! I certainly want to give myself a good kick in the pants. Snap out of it Abby! Come on already! I'll get there. I will. I always do.