What's a girl to do?

February 10, 2010

There's this struggle going on inside me about starting a family. Some of it is an old struggle. For many years of our marriage, neither Jeremy nor I wanted kids. We would nudge each other and whisper, "That's why I don't want kids," anytime we were out and about and saw kids misbehaving or parents not getting to eat their meals, things like that. And it was true. As cliche as it sounds, when I turned 30 the desire to have a baby struck. But even then, we went back and forth as to whether it was something we really wanted to do or not. When we finally decided to try, we tried for four months and nothing happened and then I got a new job so we stopped trying. Then in October of 2007 we went to my sister's wedding and I got to spend some time with my niece - oh did the maternal instincts start kicking in! "Let's just try for a couple of months Jeremy. Two months. If nothing happens, then that's it." And he agreed. And that next month we conceived Harper. But you see, even then the desire wasn't so strong that we said we would do anything to start a family. No. We said we'd try for two months.

Okay, so here I am now. I am going back through the same ambivalence I used to struggle with. Should we start a family (adoption) or shouldn't we? Do I want to focus all my energy on raising a child? Or not? Do I want to change my lifestyle drastically? Or not? Those were the questions I used to have and still do. But there are even more questions now. And before I explain, let me just say that I know these are cognitive distortions, but I get hung up on them nonetheless. So I find myself thinking, if I don't want to start a family now, somehow that means I didn't really want Harper. Then I start feeling guilty. And the times that I do think I want a family, I start to wonder if what I really want is Harper. It's hard to know if the desire comes from grief of wanting what I lost, or from true desire for my life now. That aspect of it makes me wonder if I'm ready emotionally to make the decision now or not.

There's a lot to sort through. A lot of mixed up thoughts and feelings to figure out. Like everything, it's not all black and white for me. One of the funny things about this is that typically I'm a very decisive person. I know what I want. One of my friends told me she didn't know anyone who thought through having kids as much as Jeremy and I have. Ahhhh!! I know. I know. Until I have it all figured out, I'm just going to focus on enjoying my life day by day, because it is a good life. It's a very good life.