January 29, 2010
I'm confused about my emotional state right now. I'm not used to being confused about how or what I'm feeling, but I am. So here I go in trying to sort it all out:
I'm sad. I'm sad that my view of the world and my life has changed. This morning I was thinking about the fact that when I was pregnant it was the most exciting thing I had ever experienced. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to experience that again. Maybe every woman who has been pregnant or who realizes she's done having children goes through this, I don't know. But for me, it makes me sad. Maybe this is just my depression talking, I don't know. Maybe I've reached a stage where I'm content with the present. Because I am content right now. I have a very good life, and I am ever so grateful for that. It might not sound like it if you read my blog because I complain a lot here, I know. But I truly am grateful for all that I am blessed with.
There is this part of me that's afraid to dream. I think that's what it is. I went through this phase after I felt like I had finally "gotten through" the worst of my illness when I felt more alive than I had ever felt before. But that feeling has faded. And now I feel like all the beautiful, wonderful plans I might make for the future, well, what's the point? It can all come tumbling down around me and cause heartache that is as close to unbearable as I can handle. But maybe this experience is good in showing me that living in the present, focusing on what I have now is all that I really need. But I need dreams too, don't do? I need goals. Boy do I need goals. Will time heal this wound? Is there something more that I need to do get to the dreaming me again? (Do I need just a little more medication? smile)
Too much to ponder for a Friday, I know.
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I spent some time wandering around your blog tonight, Abby. You write well and share so honestly. Thank you for this window into your world.
ReplyDeleteWhat a journey you have been on! My heart hurts with you on your many losses.
I do hope you can dream again, Abby. But I acknoweldge with you that it is hard to dream when so many dreams and even simple assumptions we had before (like "I'll be able to go to the bathroom normally until I'm 80") have been dismantled or dashed. Life wasn't supposed to play out this way...how do I keep recalibrating? Hmm, you've got me thinking about writing another blog of my own.
I'm grateful for this reconnection of our lives...even though it came through shared stories of loss and pain.
Jo and I will keep checking in here from time to time.
With fond memories,
Uncle John
Or "I'll be able to swallow and eat?" Yes. Balancing the dreaming with the reality of how it plays out - that's a tough one for me. But I haven't given up working it out. I hope to get quicker at picking myself up and dusting off the "supposed to be's" when things don't go as planned.
ReplyDeleteI too am thankful for the reconnection with you and Aunt Joanna. Sending you both love,
-Abby