A strange and beautiful thing

April 20, 2010

It's 3 o'clock in the morning, April 20th, and I'm wide awake. Two years ago on April 20th I was preparing for surgery that was scheduled to take place the next day. I had decided that I'd had enough of the treatments. I couldn't handle the pain any longer. I had asked my family members to be there with me and they were all there or en route. To say I was scared wouldn't be accurate. I wasn't scared for myself at the time. I was in a state of complete acceptance. Acceptance that I might not make it. We had been here before, with surgery being scheduled, but the doctors had postponed it saying it wasn't safe. I had no understanding, really, of the ramifications of having my colon removed. None. All I knew was that I couldn't go on in the state I was in any more. I just couldn't. And I was willing to risk everything, including Harper, to get better. But I didn't believe I would get better. Deep down, I believed I was going to die.

I said "I love you" to my mom, dad, brother, and sister that night. Jeremy. Oh Jeremy was the one I was afraid to leave, not for myself, but for him. I didn't want to leave him alone. (I like to think he's lost without me - smile.) I didn't even want to let him in on the fact that I thought I wouldn't make it. I was afraid that if he knew I thought I was going to die, it would stress him out even more than I was guessing he already was (though he held it together incredibly well at the time), but I had to talk to him. I couldn't die without telling him how much I loved him, that marrying him had been the best thing I'd ever done. That he made me happy. Boy can I still see that scene. I was sitting in my wheelchair, a blanket over me, tissue in hand. Jeremy bent over so he was looking me right in the eye. He wiped my tears away as I talked.

I had the most peaceful moment I've ever had that night when I was alone trying to go to sleep. I felt like I saw the afterlife. I wasn't afraid. It sounds strange, but I'm almost jealous for that moment now. These are the things that have changed me, changed the core of my being. Knowing peace in such a physical way, and feeling loved. Oh did I feel the love. So many generous, caring friends reached out to me at that time. It's a gift really, the understanding that I have now. It has affected me in so many different ways. I got to make peace with death and then keep on living. It's a very strange thing. A strange and beautiful thing.

You know, I'm glad that I'm awake at now 3:45 in the morning thinking about these things. I needed this - to sit in the darkness that surrounds me and refocus and remember, not just the sadness and the pain, but the beauty too.