The Art of Contentment

November 4, 2010

A while back I was thinking about how, when I was in the hospital, I wept many, many times saying, "All I want is my life back. We had a good life. Can't we just go back in time? I just want to be home." My heart yearned to be with Jeremy and Django in the safety and comfort of home.

It dawned on me that I have that now. I have all I ever wanted. I have all that was important to me, all that I longed for when things were as bad as they could ever get (at least I hope they never get worse than that - smile). And so lately I've been focusing on contentment. I'm not just talking about being grateful. I'm talking about being content.

I take my time doing the dishes, wiping down the counters and the sink. I leave the kitchen at night all clean and orderly and I feel content. I transfer loads of laundry and fold a load of clean clothes and think I'm taking care of us. We spend a morning in the yard, hacking down dead branches, pulling weeds from the rocks, sweeping off the patio. Oh this is satisfying. I've been making larger meals on the weekends - a big pot of soup, homemade bread. We eat what we want and I freeze the rest for my work lunches. On Saturdays and Sundays we walk Django in the early morning hours. In the afternoons I take a nice long nap - without guilt because I know I've been working hard. And this is all I want. I don't need more. I don't want more. And I am so very content.

But it takes work to be content. And how funny is that? That contentment should take work? For me the work is telling myself to be still. To notice what I have. Not to pine for more. (You don't need new kitchen cabinets Abby. That won't change a thing inside you. ) Not to always be planning the next accomplishment meanwhile missing today. And also, not to dwell on the heartache of the past. I don't deny the feelings of grief when they show up. I settle in with them for a bit, knowing their stay won't be long. And when they have done their job, I open the door and send them on their way.

For now, I'm still working on the art of contentment, because I believe it's an art. But man, the outcome is a pretty amazing piece of work.