It's his cheese too

June 18, 2010

I have my dilation scheduled for 10:30 this morning. We have to get there an hour before for paperwork and prep. Because I have no colon, the only prep I have to do is not drink or eat for four hours before the procedure. I don't have to drink the colon prep stuff that those of you who have experienced a colonoscopy have had the pleasure of drinking. Whew. So here I am now, up at 5:00 a.m. trying to hydrate myself good and plenty for the next hour so starting my IV is easy for the nurse. The last couple of days I've been drinking more water than I usually do (which is a lot anyway) to try to stay hydrated too. They have enough problems starting IV's on me due to scar tissue that's formed on my veins from so many needles (I sound like a drug addict don't I?), dehydration is the last thing I need! I also thought I better have a cup of coffee while I can so I don't get a caffeine headache. I don't mind getting up early because I know after the procedure I'll be all drugged up and sleepy and will nap the afternoon away anyway.

My OB/GYN called me this week with the results of my lab work I did last week. She said my thyroid was normal, which was great. When it came to the results of my hormone levels she said there are three ways those results can go. One, they can show very clearly that my hormones are normal. Two, they can show that I am very clearly going through premature menopause. And three, they can be confusing and not show clearly either way. Guess which way my results went? Yep. Number three. She said if we were trying to get pregnant, which we are not, she would want to explore the results further, or if my symptoms got worse, but since neither of those things are issues for me right now, she recommended that I do what women who are going through menopause do. Which is, that I take calcium, vitamin D, and do weight bearing exercises to address the issue of bone density. Okay. No problem. I already do the exercising.

When I was at my appointment with her I had also talked to her about my migraines, which I think are hormonal. I'll be seeing a neurologist/headache specialist on the 29th (it's been ten years since I did that last), but in the meantime, I've started on progesterone pills to see if by stopping my ovulation I can decrease the migraines because I've noticed I get them the worst when I ovulate. So I've been on the pills for almost two weeks now. And I thought everything was going fine, but last night I started connecting some dots, and I'm not so sure this is going to work out for me. I think the pills are affecting my depression. Which is just crazy to me. Seriously.

Earlier this week I told Jeremy that something's been happening to my thoughts lately. Out of nowhere these really negative thoughts will pop into my head. And when I say really negative, I mean really negative. It's not like the thoughts are connected to any train of thought I'm having either. They just pop in and out. They don't stick around long, and I don't obsess about them. I know this isn't normal for me. I've also been incredibly irritable. I'm having to do a lot of self-talk to keep myself from being annoyed and lashing out about things that really don't matter at all. Come on Abby. Do you really need to rip Jeremy a new one for eating the last piece of cheese? No. You don't. It's his cheese too. Things like that all the time. I know, it sounds kind of funny. And I can get some perspective and see that these things that are happening are not me.

At first I thought maybe something was happening with my anti-depressants and so I put a call in to Dr. N (who is out of the country until November), asking him if we needed to tweak things a little maybe. I still haven't heard back from him, but after I left the message for him telling him the timeline of these symptoms, I realized that they coincided with when I started taking the progesterone. Last night I hopped on-line (God bless the internet, right?) and looked into the side effects of progesterone. Yes, I did read through them when I started them, which is why there was something in the back of my mind saying they might be the culprit. Sure enough, my symptoms were on the list of possible side effects. I'm not going to make decisions about these things without talking to my doctors, but I'm pretty certain that's what's happening.

Having an explanation is helpful. Absolutely. But last night I felt so discouraged about it all. So am I going to have to choose between the pain of migraines versus depressive thoughts? As I closed up my laptop I sat there on the couch and pictured all the chemicals in my body that all the medications I'm on produce. I've never liked the idea of taking medications. (Not that anyone likes taking medications.) But what can I do? I felt helpless and needy. But maybe I need to shift my paradigm on this. I could be grateful that there are these things that can help me. Were it not for medications I would be dead right now. Plain and simple. Or maybe I should just allow myself to be frustrated and not beat myself up for not being grateful all the time. I don't know . . .

In the meantime I'll cope by, as Dr. N would say, observing the depressive thoughts and recognizing that's what they are, and buy stocking the fridge with extra cheese.