Stepping into the blog world

December 30, 2008

This is my first step into the blogging world. After a year full of health challenges and trying to keep people updated on what's happening I decided starting a blog might be a good way to accomplish that goal. So here goes . . .

I got home from the hospital one week ago today after my third and, God willing, final surgery of the year. I can't believe it's only been a week. I'm already feeling so much stronger than I did even when I went back to work after my second surgery. I'm so thankful. I know I won't feel this good all the time, but even moments of feeling good are greatly welcomed by me. It gives me hope that my life will return to "normal."

"Normal," hmmm . . . that's really a term I should stop using. I will never be the person I was before all the trials of this past year. Even expecting that my life will be what it was like before is setting me up for disappointment. I need to focus on making a new life.

On Christmas evening I sat on the couch in front of the fireplace curled up in a blanket while my mom played Christmas carols on the piano. I sang quietly to Silent Night and then Away in a Manger. I stumbled over the lyrics, trying to remember second and third verses. And then the words, "bless all the dear children in thy tender care," came to me and I stopped singing. Harper. Bless Harper who is in thy tender care. I started to tear up and mom came and sat down next to me. She put her arms around me and I absorbed all the love I could from her.

"When I think about Harper I feel so much love for her and I miss her, but I can't think about her and the loss that I feel or I'll never be able to be happy again," I told her. "I know that probably sounds bad, but it's true." She told me it didn't sound bad and that it made sense to her. Nothing can fill the emptiness that I feel in the core of my being that Harper has left. My survival mechanism right now is to think about her when I have the emotional space to feel whatever it is that rises out of me, and when I don't have that emotional space, I'll do my best to focus on the here and now.

An old family friend sent Jeremy and I a note with a check in it the other day. I continue to be amazed by the generosity and goodness of the people in my life. People are so good. We are so blessed.

Well, I think this is going to be it for my first blog entry. It's almost bedtime and I think I might actually try sleeping on my stomach tonight - the first time in a year!!! Wish me luck . . .