May 31, 2009
It has been a wonderful weekend. I believe I've found myself again. Last night I sat in the hammock at dusk and enjoyed the silence for a few minutes. I realized then that I feel like me again. I'm not afraid any more. On the one hand, I felt relieved. But on the other hand, I started to panic a little. How could I go through all that I've been through and everything be the same? I just don't feel like I can let that happen. I don't know how to explain it.
At one point in my recovery I felt like I could understand why people would want to leave and start all over somewhere else after going through some sort of major loss; because you don't want to be around everything that reminds you of the loss, or of your dreams for the future. But there's another reason too. It feels impossible to let life go on being "normal." It just can't be.
Jeremy and I were driving home from running some errands this morning. I looked over at him and said, "Isn't it nice that we don't think about being at the hospital any more." He agreed. It seemed like all we could talk about for months after I got out of the hospital (each time), was our experiences of being in the hospital. I know that's how we processed things. And thank God for the patience of our family and friends in hearing us talk about it all the time. But now it's not just right there over our shoulders any more. It's a speck in the distance as we look back. It might come into focus a little more from time to time, but for the most part we are forward looking now. What a relief.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
I start walkin' your way
May 29, 2009
My dilation today went well. One of the important factors to me: they got the IV in on the first try and without me hardly feeling it at all! I didn't fight the meds today. As soon as I felt them take effect I shut my eyes and fell asleep.
I told Dr. T that I had started taking the Cipro again because within a couple of days of stopping it my stools became watery again and the frequency increased considerably. She frowned and said, "I won't lie. That's not encouraging news." But you know, I sort of feel like, "So what?" I told Jeremy, if I have to be on antibiotics as therapy for pouchitis, I'll do it - forever. I know of fellow j-pouchers who are on a monthly antibiotic rotation as part of their way of life. I'm sorry, but I would much prefer to do that than live with an ostomy.
This desire to live life to the fullest, coupled with an increased level of energy is going to make Jeremy crazy! I keep coming up with ideas and suggestions of things we should do; trips we should take, businesses we should start, places we should live. I think he panics a little. "I really am not ready for any change right now Abby. I need to know that we're done with surgeries and everything before we make any major changes." He keeps me grounded, even if it does frustrate me at times. I think we're a good balance for each other. Without him, I'd be all over the place doing all kinds of impulsive things. Without me he'd be a hermit. For the most part we meet in the middle and both seem to be pretty happy.
My dilation today went well. One of the important factors to me: they got the IV in on the first try and without me hardly feeling it at all! I didn't fight the meds today. As soon as I felt them take effect I shut my eyes and fell asleep.
I told Dr. T that I had started taking the Cipro again because within a couple of days of stopping it my stools became watery again and the frequency increased considerably. She frowned and said, "I won't lie. That's not encouraging news." But you know, I sort of feel like, "So what?" I told Jeremy, if I have to be on antibiotics as therapy for pouchitis, I'll do it - forever. I know of fellow j-pouchers who are on a monthly antibiotic rotation as part of their way of life. I'm sorry, but I would much prefer to do that than live with an ostomy.
This desire to live life to the fullest, coupled with an increased level of energy is going to make Jeremy crazy! I keep coming up with ideas and suggestions of things we should do; trips we should take, businesses we should start, places we should live. I think he panics a little. "I really am not ready for any change right now Abby. I need to know that we're done with surgeries and everything before we make any major changes." He keeps me grounded, even if it does frustrate me at times. I think we're a good balance for each other. Without him, I'd be all over the place doing all kinds of impulsive things. Without me he'd be a hermit. For the most part we meet in the middle and both seem to be pretty happy.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Pete and repeat were in a boat . . .
May 28, 2009
So I have gone three weeks without needing a dilation. I am so happy about that. And as the time draws nearer to have my dilation done tomorrow, I'm getting anxious. I don't know why. I guess it's because I have to think about my situation. The last few weeks I've been able to ignore it; convince myself that I'm not going to need another surgery. Still, that's what I believe.
It's not that things have been horrible the past few weeks and that's why I need the dilation either. Things have actually been great. But Jeremy and I have decided to act preemptively and to see if that helps me maintain longer periods of time without having problems. So far, I think that's worked. So I'm in this strange place of making myself do something that is not fun at all when I don't necessarily need to in hopes that that will fix the problem in the long run. Does that make sense? I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I get a little scared each time I have the procedure done. All this anxiety builds up in me and then tears start rolling out of my eyes as I lay on the procedure table. It doesn't even feel like I'm really crying. It's just my body responding to the situation. It's strange. And so this ignoring, or denial, or whatever you want to call it is how I'm getting through it. Maybe it's not healthy, I don't know. But it's what's working for me right now.
But I've said all this before, haven't I?
After I posted this blog, I started thinking about my Uncle John who is going through some really serious health problems right now. Suddenly I felt like my challenges are so small. I don't need to wallow in the discomfort of these stupid dilations. I am enjoying my life right now. I am able to enjoy my life right now. What a gift.
So I have gone three weeks without needing a dilation. I am so happy about that. And as the time draws nearer to have my dilation done tomorrow, I'm getting anxious. I don't know why. I guess it's because I have to think about my situation. The last few weeks I've been able to ignore it; convince myself that I'm not going to need another surgery. Still, that's what I believe.
It's not that things have been horrible the past few weeks and that's why I need the dilation either. Things have actually been great. But Jeremy and I have decided to act preemptively and to see if that helps me maintain longer periods of time without having problems. So far, I think that's worked. So I'm in this strange place of making myself do something that is not fun at all when I don't necessarily need to in hopes that that will fix the problem in the long run. Does that make sense? I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I get a little scared each time I have the procedure done. All this anxiety builds up in me and then tears start rolling out of my eyes as I lay on the procedure table. It doesn't even feel like I'm really crying. It's just my body responding to the situation. It's strange. And so this ignoring, or denial, or whatever you want to call it is how I'm getting through it. Maybe it's not healthy, I don't know. But it's what's working for me right now.
But I've said all this before, haven't I?
After I posted this blog, I started thinking about my Uncle John who is going through some really serious health problems right now. Suddenly I felt like my challenges are so small. I don't need to wallow in the discomfort of these stupid dilations. I am enjoying my life right now. I am able to enjoy my life right now. What a gift.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Faulty thinking?
May 27, 2009
Sometimes I find myself in this weird head space when it comes to deciding whether to try to get pregnant again. Before Jeremy and I decided to try last time, we went back and forth on the issue for a long time. We were pretty ambivalent for a good two to three years. And now, I'm finding myself in that space again. I think about my future and my career and all the things I could devote my energy to, and I think that if I had a baby, I wouldn't have the energy to do those things. I know it sounds shallow, but I think about the lifestyle we live too, and all the sacrifices that we would have to make. Not that I would be anything but happy to make those sacrifices, but sometimes I enjoy my lifestyle and I think, "Boy, I would miss this." I think about the freedom that we have now to do things. And I guess I'm at this point right now too where I'm really wanting to enjoy my life. I've never really felt this way before. So maybe for now, being child-free is an okay, or even good thing.
But then when I get to that place emotionally, I start to feel guilty. How can I go from grieving the loss of Harper to being happy that I'm without a child now? I get this pit in my stomach just thinking about it. What does that say about me? I feel like it says I'm a horrible person. I know that's faulty thinking, but it's still hard to walk myself through these thought processes. Do I need to go my whole life being unhappy where I'm at to show that I loved my daughter? The movie In America is one of my favorite movies. I think it does a beautiful job showing what couples go through in healing from the loss of a child. Anyway, just some thoughts I had been having today.
Sometimes I find myself in this weird head space when it comes to deciding whether to try to get pregnant again. Before Jeremy and I decided to try last time, we went back and forth on the issue for a long time. We were pretty ambivalent for a good two to three years. And now, I'm finding myself in that space again. I think about my future and my career and all the things I could devote my energy to, and I think that if I had a baby, I wouldn't have the energy to do those things. I know it sounds shallow, but I think about the lifestyle we live too, and all the sacrifices that we would have to make. Not that I would be anything but happy to make those sacrifices, but sometimes I enjoy my lifestyle and I think, "Boy, I would miss this." I think about the freedom that we have now to do things. And I guess I'm at this point right now too where I'm really wanting to enjoy my life. I've never really felt this way before. So maybe for now, being child-free is an okay, or even good thing.
But then when I get to that place emotionally, I start to feel guilty. How can I go from grieving the loss of Harper to being happy that I'm without a child now? I get this pit in my stomach just thinking about it. What does that say about me? I feel like it says I'm a horrible person. I know that's faulty thinking, but it's still hard to walk myself through these thought processes. Do I need to go my whole life being unhappy where I'm at to show that I loved my daughter? The movie In America is one of my favorite movies. I think it does a beautiful job showing what couples go through in healing from the loss of a child. Anyway, just some thoughts I had been having today.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A strange dream
May 26, 2009
I had a strange dream last night. In the beginning of the dream, we had just gotten a new puppy. It was a Dalmatian, and it was probably two or three months old. I started getting stressed out because we hadn't planned for this puppy. Django did fine with it, but we didn't have a fence in the back yard that would accommodate it, we didn't have food for it, and we hadn't planned on needing to invest any time in potty training. Then all of a sudden, the puppy became a child. We already had an adopted child who was four or five years old, and this baby was suddenly in our home too. It was something I had wanted, so I was deliriously happy to have it, but all of a sudden I realized that I wasn't ready for this baby. I didn't have diapers for him. I didn't have a crib. Every time I put the baby down to sleep, he would crawl away and fall or hurt himself. It took me a while to realize that what we needed was a crib. I thought I would make my own crib to make due until we could afford to buy a crib, but then I thought about how babies die sometimes when they get stuck in their cribs. I didn't know what to do. The baby was wiggly, kind of like a puppy, and I had a hard time holding on to him. I thought, "Well I wanted a baby, but this isn't at all what I wanted it to be like." The baby kept wiggling out of my arms and I hurt him when I would try to get a good enough grip on him so he wouldn't fall.
Then I woke up.
Hmmm . . .
I had a strange dream last night. In the beginning of the dream, we had just gotten a new puppy. It was a Dalmatian, and it was probably two or three months old. I started getting stressed out because we hadn't planned for this puppy. Django did fine with it, but we didn't have a fence in the back yard that would accommodate it, we didn't have food for it, and we hadn't planned on needing to invest any time in potty training. Then all of a sudden, the puppy became a child. We already had an adopted child who was four or five years old, and this baby was suddenly in our home too. It was something I had wanted, so I was deliriously happy to have it, but all of a sudden I realized that I wasn't ready for this baby. I didn't have diapers for him. I didn't have a crib. Every time I put the baby down to sleep, he would crawl away and fall or hurt himself. It took me a while to realize that what we needed was a crib. I thought I would make my own crib to make due until we could afford to buy a crib, but then I thought about how babies die sometimes when they get stuck in their cribs. I didn't know what to do. The baby was wiggly, kind of like a puppy, and I had a hard time holding on to him. I thought, "Well I wanted a baby, but this isn't at all what I wanted it to be like." The baby kept wiggling out of my arms and I hurt him when I would try to get a good enough grip on him so he wouldn't fall.
Then I woke up.
Hmmm . . .
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